Day 2: Daily Personal Devotional

FYI: This post is spiritual/religious in nature, though I don't spend a lot of time talking about what I do or don't believe. However, if you have no interest in my personal scripture study and prayer habits, just skip this post. I promise not to care--not one little tiny bit.

One of the biggest reasons I am changing my life is because I can see large changes ahead of me. I need to have all the little things in order so I can make the big decisions.

And I've been neglecting this "little" habit for quite a while. Which doesn't help when I need to find answers.

So, I'm restarting the habit of Daily Personal Devotionals.

This is how it will run for me:

• A quick prayer to put me in the right frame of mind.
• Read a chapter of whatever book of scripture I'm currently in. The actual amount will depend on how much time I have and what I feel prompted to read.
• Make notes in a notebook.*
• Make scriptures with my crayons.
• Review my list of requested prayers and things on my mind.
• Say a long and detailed prayer, preferably behind a locked door.

*This is where I start to cause myself trouble. I worry too much about how neat my writing is, whether I am making sense in my notes, and what other people would think if they read it. And I shut down completely because I can't make it perfect.

Solution:

My original notebook will be as messy as needed. I will simply ignore any desire to make it pretty or perfect. Then, on Saturdays and Sundays, I will block off time for myself to transcribe things into my Scripture Journal Binder. There is where I can form complete thoughts after having digested what I have read for a few days. I can add art/doodles/quotes and everything else I want to have but can't manage "perfectly" in the original notebook. I will begin with the Study by Chapter pages, and save the Study by Topic pages for later when my good habits have been reestablished and I can focus on questions/answers, and topics of concern or interest.

*Another issue has been timing. I have tried many different times during the day, but the only one that has been consistently successful for me is first thing in the morning. So, I'm headed back to early devotionals. 

Solution: I will get dressed and ready, then study at the kitchen table. I have to acknowledge that I will often be interrupted by the kids getting up. But I can train them to get their own breakfasts or start on other chores while I finish. That part will take time and patience, but what else is new in my life?

Rescuing Myself Day 1: Make My Bed Every Day

Yep, I'm starting out big--Ha! What I am doing is focusing on something that is small enough to fix easily, but large enough that it has been bothering me--my bed.

Having a husband who does shift work changes a lot of things about family life. Most of which I never saw coming.

One of the most surprising has been making my bed

This is what it looked like this morning:

Everything I have ever read/seen/heard/thought about homemaking says I should make my bed first thing--right away--no delay--as a good start to a productive day. Well, my husband is still asleep up to 3-and-a-half hours after I start my day. Not exactly according to plan.

It's a small matter, but one that has bugged me for a very long time. I adore the look and feel of a tidily-made bed. But I didn't want to put it at the end of my morning routine, so it never got done.

I'm sometimes stubborn like that.

But no more! As of today, this is what my bedroom will look like some time before lunch:

My new bed-making routine will look like this:

• Pull back all the covers and turn on the fan when hubby get up.
• Leave the bed open and the fan running for one hour (I will set an alarm on my phone because I know I will get distracted).
• Use linen spray and make tidily at the end of my morning routine or when my alarm rings--whichever comes first.

Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy! Day 1 done!

This is Not My Beautiful Life

I know no better way to describe my recent headspace than this:

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Most especially:

How did I get here?
Am I right? Am I wrong?
Oh *%&$ What have I done?

Yeah, that would be my brain right about now.

A couple weeks ago, though, I broke. And I don't say that lightly.

I won't burden (or bore) anyone with details. Let's just say I should have been at the hospital for a few days. I wasn't, I survived, I'm back on track.

But the break was real and is, as yet, unhealed. So here I am.

I recently turned 38, and I am no longer a young mother of young children. I am quickly moving into the middle stage of mothering. I am overweight. My house is a disaster. I need to build my own career. And, most of all, I am desperate to redefine and rediscover myself.

More than 20 years of depression. 17 years of survival-mode. More years than I want to admit publicly of taking what life threw at me and only making the best of it day-to-day.

So now I'm giving myself 100 days to fix all that.
Yep, 100 days.

I will make one change or do one new thing every day--and write about it here. There will be pictures and perhaps even videos. All with the goal of recognizing myself again at the end of it.

Wanna follow along? Great! All the days (and periodic check-ins) will be posted here on my blog, so check back often and watch for updates on Facebook and Instagram.

Here we go!

P.S. I couldn't decide whether I should put a picture here of jumping off a cliff or of climbing a huge mountain--both seemed to describe what I'm feeling as I start this journey. Then, I found this picture. Yep, pretty sure what I'm doing is a belly-flop onto sand. Whee!!

In Which I Contemplate Giving Up Pinterest

I want to be a fun mom.

You know the one--that mom who is always down on the floor playing dolls, or making up games to make cleaning fun (I'm looking at you, Danielle ;)).

But I'm just not. I am a good mom. I am supportive, kind, and responsible. My kids are always fed, their homework is usually done, and their rooms get mucked out once in a while. I read with and to them, teach them right from wrong, and love them until they are overflowing.














And I am completely stressed out by the Pinterest boards I have filled with crafts, games, activities, and pretend play that I will never, ever do with my kids. I continually add to the boards. And I sometimes look through them. And I don't do them.

I don't like to play dolls. Legos bore me to tears. And I never seem to have the right supplies for the complicated crafts my kids want to do.

I have always been able to entertain myself and I can't wrap my head around the fact that these little humans want to interact!

I'm asking for help. How do I add more "fun" into our days in small, simple, cheap, non-pretend-play ways?  I already know I'm putting too much pressure on myself. (When do I not?) I need practical ideas. Any takers?

In Which I Dream of Perfection . . . and I Begin Blogging (Again)

Today is the first of October—which, for many bloggers, is a month of posting every single day. In an effort to jumpstart my writing (again) and build a daily habit, I’m joining in.

Every day this month I will post about something I want to do, be, or have.

Today I want a perfect pen.

This is current favorite: the Pilot G-2.

I like the ease of writing, the bright colors, and the length of the pen itself.

I don’t like having to wait for the ink to dry so it doesn’t smear.

I wish the pen were just a little heavier and more substantial in my hand.

And I wish the great colors and cute polka dots came in the finer .05 tip.

I am also loving (mostly) these felt-tip pens from PaperMate.

Again, the colors are amazing. And this time, the thin precise lines are so so satisfying. Plus, the ink dries much faster so I don’t worry about smearing what I just put down.

But, I am terrified of bending the felt tips. So I write very carefully, and very slowly. And I don’t like the way it feels to write in cursive, which makes freewriting impossible with these pens.

I’ve tried hundreds of pens, both expensive and cheap, but I have yet to find the perfect pen. Sometimes, when I’m avoiding the writing or editing I should be doing, I daydream about the perfect pen. It would be heavy enough to feel solid in my hand without adding any strain over long periods of writing time. The tip would be quite fine, and the ink would miraculously flow easily with never a skip or smear. And it would have a homing device that would instantly bring it to me whenever I needed it.

Because, let’s be honest, the perfect pen is simply the one I can find.

Do you have the perfect pen? I’m always searching, so let me know!

Changes Ahead

The kids are heading back to school in 3 days. And I’ve decided it’s time for some changes in my life, too. The first one I’m going to make is to establish a regular exercise routine that pushes me (in many ways).

This terrifies me for a few reasons:

1)   I have to get up early. I’ve rearranged my schedule so many times I nearly went cross-eyed. But 6 am is the only time I can reasonably and regularly exercise for an hour without many, many issues arising which would de-rail my efforts to be consistent. That means I have to get out of bed at 5:30. Ugh.

2)   I’ve never taken the classes offered at 6 am. That means I don’t know what to expect or how to navigate it. That terrifies me—I can’t plan for what I don’t know and that leaves me feeling unprepared and vulnerable.

3)   I have to actually exercise. . .in front of other people. . . who will then see how out of shape I am. . . and how sweaty I get. . . in public.

4)   I am going to have to admit to myself how out of shape I let myself get. Grrr.

So, in order to combat these fears I am doing the following:

1)   Asking for help from my friends: If you are willing to meet me for one (or more) 6 am classes during the week—even if it’s just for a week or two—to show me the ropes, smile at me, and expect me to be there, I would be forever grateful.

2)   Promising in public to take a selfie after every class—I’m going to prove to myself that I can love the body I have, sweaty red face and all. Plus, it’s a way for me to be proud of myself for the effort I’m making to be healthy.

This all starts August 24^th at 6 am. Who’s in?

Sabbath Meditation

It is impossible to fail when you do your best and when you are on the Lord's errand.

M. Russell Ballard