Day 2: Daily Personal Devotional

FYI: This post is spiritual/religious in nature, though I don't spend a lot of time talking about what I do or don't believe. However, if you have no interest in my personal scripture study and prayer habits, just skip this post. I promise not to care--not one little tiny bit.

One of the biggest reasons I am changing my life is because I can see large changes ahead of me. I need to have all the little things in order so I can make the big decisions.

And I've been neglecting this "little" habit for quite a while. Which doesn't help when I need to find answers.

So, I'm restarting the habit of Daily Personal Devotionals.

This is how it will run for me:

• A quick prayer to put me in the right frame of mind.
• Read a chapter of whatever book of scripture I'm currently in. The actual amount will depend on how much time I have and what I feel prompted to read.
• Make notes in a notebook.*
• Make scriptures with my crayons.
• Review my list of requested prayers and things on my mind.
• Say a long and detailed prayer, preferably behind a locked door.

*This is where I start to cause myself trouble. I worry too much about how neat my writing is, whether I am making sense in my notes, and what other people would think if they read it. And I shut down completely because I can't make it perfect.

Solution:

My original notebook will be as messy as needed. I will simply ignore any desire to make it pretty or perfect. Then, on Saturdays and Sundays, I will block off time for myself to transcribe things into my Scripture Journal Binder. There is where I can form complete thoughts after having digested what I have read for a few days. I can add art/doodles/quotes and everything else I want to have but can't manage "perfectly" in the original notebook. I will begin with the Study by Chapter pages, and save the Study by Topic pages for later when my good habits have been reestablished and I can focus on questions/answers, and topics of concern or interest.

*Another issue has been timing. I have tried many different times during the day, but the only one that has been consistently successful for me is first thing in the morning. So, I'm headed back to early devotionals. 

Solution: I will get dressed and ready, then study at the kitchen table. I have to acknowledge that I will often be interrupted by the kids getting up. But I can train them to get their own breakfasts or start on other chores while I finish. That part will take time and patience, but what else is new in my life?

Rescuing Myself Day 1: Make My Bed Every Day

Yep, I'm starting out big--Ha! What I am doing is focusing on something that is small enough to fix easily, but large enough that it has been bothering me--my bed.

Having a husband who does shift work changes a lot of things about family life. Most of which I never saw coming.

One of the most surprising has been making my bed

This is what it looked like this morning:

Everything I have ever read/seen/heard/thought about homemaking says I should make my bed first thing--right away--no delay--as a good start to a productive day. Well, my husband is still asleep up to 3-and-a-half hours after I start my day. Not exactly according to plan.

It's a small matter, but one that has bugged me for a very long time. I adore the look and feel of a tidily-made bed. But I didn't want to put it at the end of my morning routine, so it never got done.

I'm sometimes stubborn like that.

But no more! As of today, this is what my bedroom will look like some time before lunch:

My new bed-making routine will look like this:

• Pull back all the covers and turn on the fan when hubby get up.
• Leave the bed open and the fan running for one hour (I will set an alarm on my phone because I know I will get distracted).
• Use linen spray and make tidily at the end of my morning routine or when my alarm rings--whichever comes first.

Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy! Day 1 done!

This is Not My Beautiful Life

I know no better way to describe my recent headspace than this:

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Most especially:

How did I get here?
Am I right? Am I wrong?
Oh *%&$ What have I done?

Yeah, that would be my brain right about now.

A couple weeks ago, though, I broke. And I don't say that lightly.

I won't burden (or bore) anyone with details. Let's just say I should have been at the hospital for a few days. I wasn't, I survived, I'm back on track.

But the break was real and is, as yet, unhealed. So here I am.

I recently turned 38, and I am no longer a young mother of young children. I am quickly moving into the middle stage of mothering. I am overweight. My house is a disaster. I need to build my own career. And, most of all, I am desperate to redefine and rediscover myself.

More than 20 years of depression. 17 years of survival-mode. More years than I want to admit publicly of taking what life threw at me and only making the best of it day-to-day.

So now I'm giving myself 100 days to fix all that.
Yep, 100 days.

I will make one change or do one new thing every day--and write about it here. There will be pictures and perhaps even videos. All with the goal of recognizing myself again at the end of it.

Wanna follow along? Great! All the days (and periodic check-ins) will be posted here on my blog, so check back often and watch for updates on Facebook and Instagram.

Here we go!

P.S. I couldn't decide whether I should put a picture here of jumping off a cliff or of climbing a huge mountain--both seemed to describe what I'm feeling as I start this journey. Then, I found this picture. Yep, pretty sure what I'm doing is a belly-flop onto sand. Whee!!

In Which I Contemplate Giving Up Pinterest

I want to be a fun mom.

You know the one--that mom who is always down on the floor playing dolls, or making up games to make cleaning fun (I'm looking at you, Danielle ;)).

But I'm just not. I am a good mom. I am supportive, kind, and responsible. My kids are always fed, their homework is usually done, and their rooms get mucked out once in a while. I read with and to them, teach them right from wrong, and love them until they are overflowing.














And I am completely stressed out by the Pinterest boards I have filled with crafts, games, activities, and pretend play that I will never, ever do with my kids. I continually add to the boards. And I sometimes look through them. And I don't do them.

I don't like to play dolls. Legos bore me to tears. And I never seem to have the right supplies for the complicated crafts my kids want to do.

I have always been able to entertain myself and I can't wrap my head around the fact that these little humans want to interact!

I'm asking for help. How do I add more "fun" into our days in small, simple, cheap, non-pretend-play ways?  I already know I'm putting too much pressure on myself. (When do I not?) I need practical ideas. Any takers?

In Which I Dream of Perfection . . . and I Begin Blogging (Again)

Today is the first of October—which, for many bloggers, is a month of posting every single day. In an effort to jumpstart my writing (again) and build a daily habit, I’m joining in.

Every day this month I will post about something I want to do, be, or have.

Today I want a perfect pen.

This is current favorite: the Pilot G-2.

I like the ease of writing, the bright colors, and the length of the pen itself.

I don’t like having to wait for the ink to dry so it doesn’t smear.

I wish the pen were just a little heavier and more substantial in my hand.

And I wish the great colors and cute polka dots came in the finer .05 tip.

I am also loving (mostly) these felt-tip pens from PaperMate.

Again, the colors are amazing. And this time, the thin precise lines are so so satisfying. Plus, the ink dries much faster so I don’t worry about smearing what I just put down.

But, I am terrified of bending the felt tips. So I write very carefully, and very slowly. And I don’t like the way it feels to write in cursive, which makes freewriting impossible with these pens.

I’ve tried hundreds of pens, both expensive and cheap, but I have yet to find the perfect pen. Sometimes, when I’m avoiding the writing or editing I should be doing, I daydream about the perfect pen. It would be heavy enough to feel solid in my hand without adding any strain over long periods of writing time. The tip would be quite fine, and the ink would miraculously flow easily with never a skip or smear. And it would have a homing device that would instantly bring it to me whenever I needed it.

Because, let’s be honest, the perfect pen is simply the one I can find.

Do you have the perfect pen? I’m always searching, so let me know!

Changes Ahead

The kids are heading back to school in 3 days. And I’ve decided it’s time for some changes in my life, too. The first one I’m going to make is to establish a regular exercise routine that pushes me (in many ways).

This terrifies me for a few reasons:

1)   I have to get up early. I’ve rearranged my schedule so many times I nearly went cross-eyed. But 6 am is the only time I can reasonably and regularly exercise for an hour without many, many issues arising which would de-rail my efforts to be consistent. That means I have to get out of bed at 5:30. Ugh.

2)   I’ve never taken the classes offered at 6 am. That means I don’t know what to expect or how to navigate it. That terrifies me—I can’t plan for what I don’t know and that leaves me feeling unprepared and vulnerable.

3)   I have to actually exercise. . .in front of other people. . . who will then see how out of shape I am. . . and how sweaty I get. . . in public.

4)   I am going to have to admit to myself how out of shape I let myself get. Grrr.

So, in order to combat these fears I am doing the following:

1)   Asking for help from my friends: If you are willing to meet me for one (or more) 6 am classes during the week—even if it’s just for a week or two—to show me the ropes, smile at me, and expect me to be there, I would be forever grateful.

2)   Promising in public to take a selfie after every class—I’m going to prove to myself that I can love the body I have, sweaty red face and all. Plus, it’s a way for me to be proud of myself for the effort I’m making to be healthy.

This all starts August 24^th at 6 am. Who’s in?

Sabbath Meditation

It is impossible to fail when you do your best and when you are on the Lord's errand.

M. Russell Ballard

April 2015 Theme

Review: In the Woods by Tana French

I’ve been avoiding writing here simply because I thought I had nothing to say.

Anyone who knows me is laughing right now.

But still, I wanted to ease myself back into this routine, and I thought a book review would be an easy, enjoyable way to renew the habit of writing.

So, let’s get to it, shall we?

I have just finished the first novel by an author I have never read before. (I’m a little behind—she published it in 2007.) Tana French’s In the Woods is a murder mystery—a genre I admittedly spend little time reading. Many of them are too predictable for my taste, and even the good ones are rarely emotional, romantic, or descriptive enough for me.

I’ve been very wrong, and I have a lot of reading to make up.

French’s use of words is delicious. The details are distilled down to only the most vivid, the most important, and presented to the reader through a delightfully neurotic, potentially unreliable narrator. Within the first few paragraphs, Detective Rob Ryan explains to the reader “two things: I crave truth. And I lie.”

A careful reader will see clues along the way. But are you sure you can trust the interpretation of those clues? Is it your interpretation or Detective Ryan’s? Can we trust him to tell us the truth even in his own story? Those questions kept me glued to the book. Even now, having finished it, I am still going over the details, asking myself what I missed the first time, what should I have seen coming, what is the truth? Ooh, I have shivers just thinking about it. Emotions soar and plunge, tension is thick, and sympathy for the characters wars with frustration at their blindness and blunders.

However, I cannot give this book a whole-hearted recommendation for a few reasons. This is most certainly an adult read. The subject matter is gruesome in places, and the language is harsh and, in my opinion, gratuitious. There are many instances of strong swearing, and both crimes and motivations are described in some detail. If you are looking for a light-hearted, tidy mystery where good is always good and utterly triumphant, this is not the book for you. If you want a romantic adventure where hearts are always whole in the end, you should probably look elsewhere.

If you are a fan of twisted, intense, wholly absorbing mystery where characters are deeply flawed, and the lines between good and bad can be blurry; if you don’t mind language and aren’t averse to serious and realistic situations; if you crave the exquisite pleasure of dark, tempting, and terrifying brushes with the unknown—perhaps this is the perfect choice for your next read.

Rating: 3.5

Language: Adult—extreme and graphic

Romance: Maladjusted

Resolution: Realistic, Partial

The past couple weeks have been busy for us.  First we welcomed a new visitor.

May I introduce Wilbur, our Elf:

Isn't he a cutie?

Sometimes we find him in the silliest places.

 The kids are having a blast talking to Wilbur and looking for him every morning.  Sometimes he even moves during the day when no one is looking.  The Z-man and I are having just as much fun with him as the kids are.

Also this week, Zippy earned his Bob Cat award.  We're very proud of him.  We've all had a slow start in Cub Scouts, but we're getting the hang of it now and moving right along.

Does the fact that Zippy had to give me a pin mean I've earned MY Bob Cat too?

And Little Man got to help me make cookies all by himself for the first time.  Usually he has to share the helping jobs with Zippy or Munchkin.  But this afternoon, it was just me and my Little Man.  I wish I had a picture of him trying to cool off the cookies.  He took a hot-pad and waved it back and forth above the cookies.  Too cute! We had a GREAT time, and even did the dishes when we were done!

I'm amazed he didn't even try to snitch one when I wasn't looking.  What a sweet boy!

Here's hoping everyone is having a wonderful and peaceful Christmas season.

Family Update

We are still here.  We have survived a move to a new city, 

Halloween:

Zippy as a panther/pokemon/ninja/I'm not sure what else

Munchkin as a bunny-butterfly-princess

Little Man in his dragon costume.  The sucker was a bribe for getting in the costume.
Apparently it didn't cover looking at the camera.

and now we're settling in and enjoying ourselves:

With the Z-man.  Someday he'll smile for a picture. . .

Little Man couldn't believe how fun sledding was.

Zippy hamming it up again.

Munchkin screamed all the way down every single time.  

More updates and details to come!  

See you soon!

For Tonight

My hair is medium brown--not dark and glossy, not light and full of life--just medium brown scattered with a few dozen gray hairs that seem to multiply every few days.  My eyes are somewhere between blue and gray.  Unremarkable and usually hidden behind glasses smudged by little fingers.  I am at least 30 pounds overweight and often uncomfortable in my own skin.  My kitchen is full of dishes and the floor is littered with crumbs.  Laundry is piled in the corners of every bedroom.  My yard is full of weeds.  My kids spent ours watching TV today while I struggled with a stomach bug.  I usually don't bother to put pants on my 2-year-old, and I often forget to check the toilet seat for drips before I sit down.  It feels like weeks since I connected with another adult in a meaningful way.  And I have ignored this blog and nearly every other form of writing for months.

But tonight, as the sun sank and the house became quiet, Little Man crept out of his bedroom, climbed into my lap, and snuggled in to sleep.  My soft body was a comfortable place to rest at the end of the day.  The not-so-clean house filled with the peace of sleeping children.  My sometimes lonely heart beat slowly against my precious son's own heart.  And, for tonight, I'm OK.

33 Things

I have finished my list of 33 things to do before I turn 33. That gives me until the end of May. I'm actually looking forward to all these things. Here they are in no particular order:

1. Run a 5k--scheduled for Race for the Cure in May

2. Lose weight--at least 10 pounds

3. Decorate for a Holiday

4. Get a Massage

5. Buy myself a floppy gardening hat

6. Finish a cross-stitch project for Tucker

7. Make a Summer Fun List with the kids

8. Surprise for Mom and Dad--more details to come later

9. Start Mom and Me Journal with Zippy

10. Princess Day for me

11. Sing loudly in the car with the windows down--until I get funny looks from other people

12. Try a new food

13. Play a hymn in Sacrament Meeting on the organ using the pedals--this is going to be hard

14. Play with the kids at every park in my subdivision

15. Sleep with the kids in a blanket fort

16. Memorize Psalm 33

17. Listed to a 33 rpm record--this will take some help from friends

18. Learn how to use power tools

19. Take pictures in a photo booth

20. List 33 ways to be like my Mom

21. Sing Hymn 33

22. Read the biography of someone I admire

23. Try 33 different flavors of ice cream

24. Finish the scrapbook of Tucker's first year

25. Spend a night without the kids--probably a sleep-over at Grandma's house

26. Watch at least one movie of each Jane Austen novel

27. Spring Cleaning--the whole house this time

28. Attend Leah's ballet recital

29. Get William baptized

30. Make end-of-the-year gifts for all the kids' teachers

31. Start a smash journal

32. Spend a day alone

33. ?--this one is blank on purpose. It will stay blank until I find that one most awesome idea to fill it with.

I can't wait to get started--and I better not delay anyway. Some of them will take a fair amount of time.

How Do You Know?

I’ve been thinking about my goals a lot over the past few weeks. Some of them I’ve made progress on, and some not so much. I’ve realized that I set very high expectations for myself. It will be interesting to see if I can reach them.

My #1 goal (improving my relationship with God) has been on my mind a lot. This is a difficult goal in that there isn’t a tangible, easy-to-see way to track my progress. For me, this is a goal that is both never done (because I can always improve and draw closer to God), and done as soon as I take the first step (because I’m then one step closer with all the blessings that come from that). I’ve felt both discouraged when I second-guess my worthiness, and hopeful when I feel the Spirit stronger than I have for quite a while.

Which is all a long way of saying I’m not sure where to go with this goal. I want to continue reading scriptures every day, praying many times during the day, fasting, attending the temple, and all the basics of my religion that keep my on the path I want to follow. But beyond that, how do I track where I’m at? And should I even attempt to track that? Am I far enough along with the changes I wanted to make that I can take some of my energy and focus and apply them to another goal? Can I rely on the habits I have started over the past month and a half to keep me moving forward and avoid standing still or falling back?

These are all questions that plague me when I try to evaluate my goals for the year. And none of them have an easy answer. I have definitely felt an increase of the Spirit. I find myself humming hymns and craving the spiritual lift I get from the scriptures. These are all good signs.

I think I’m at a point where I can readjust my attention onto other goals. I hope that as long as I keep the desire to draw close to God forefront in my mind when planning everything else, I can rely upon the habits I have created over a lifetime (and renewed just lately) to direct me. But it’s a little scary with something so important to relax any effort without being absolutely sure of where I am. Unfortunately, I have a long way to go before I could come close to being able to claim guaranteed salvation (really, who could claim that?). And I can’t neglect everything and everyone else in an effort to improve myself. That would be counterproductive at the end of the day.

I would love to hear anyone else’s thoughts on this.