This is Not My Beautiful Life

I know no better way to describe my recent headspace than this:

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Most especially:

How did I get here?
Am I right? Am I wrong?
Oh *%&$ What have I done?

Yeah, that would be my brain right about now.

A couple weeks ago, though, I broke. And I don't say that lightly.

I won't burden (or bore) anyone with details. Let's just say I should have been at the hospital for a few days. I wasn't, I survived, I'm back on track.

But the break was real and is, as yet, unhealed. So here I am.

I recently turned 38, and I am no longer a young mother of young children. I am quickly moving into the middle stage of mothering. I am overweight. My house is a disaster. I need to build my own career. And, most of all, I am desperate to redefine and rediscover myself.

More than 20 years of depression. 17 years of survival-mode. More years than I want to admit publicly of taking what life threw at me and only making the best of it day-to-day.

So now I'm giving myself 100 days to fix all that.
Yep, 100 days.

I will make one change or do one new thing every day--and write about it here. There will be pictures and perhaps even videos. All with the goal of recognizing myself again at the end of it.

Wanna follow along? Great! All the days (and periodic check-ins) will be posted here on my blog, so check back often and watch for updates on Facebook and Instagram.

Here we go!

P.S. I couldn't decide whether I should put a picture here of jumping off a cliff or of climbing a huge mountain--both seemed to describe what I'm feeling as I start this journey. Then, I found this picture. Yep, pretty sure what I'm doing is a belly-flop onto sand. Whee!!

In Which I Contemplate Giving Up Pinterest

I want to be a fun mom.

You know the one--that mom who is always down on the floor playing dolls, or making up games to make cleaning fun (I'm looking at you, Danielle ;)).

But I'm just not. I am a good mom. I am supportive, kind, and responsible. My kids are always fed, their homework is usually done, and their rooms get mucked out once in a while. I read with and to them, teach them right from wrong, and love them until they are overflowing.














And I am completely stressed out by the Pinterest boards I have filled with crafts, games, activities, and pretend play that I will never, ever do with my kids. I continually add to the boards. And I sometimes look through them. And I don't do them.

I don't like to play dolls. Legos bore me to tears. And I never seem to have the right supplies for the complicated crafts my kids want to do.

I have always been able to entertain myself and I can't wrap my head around the fact that these little humans want to interact!

I'm asking for help. How do I add more "fun" into our days in small, simple, cheap, non-pretend-play ways?  I already know I'm putting too much pressure on myself. (When do I not?) I need practical ideas. Any takers?

In Which I Dream of Perfection . . . and I Begin Blogging (Again)

Today is the first of October—which, for many bloggers, is a month of posting every single day. In an effort to jumpstart my writing (again) and build a daily habit, I’m joining in.

Every day this month I will post about something I want to do, be, or have.

Today I want a perfect pen.

This is current favorite: the Pilot G-2.

I like the ease of writing, the bright colors, and the length of the pen itself.

I don’t like having to wait for the ink to dry so it doesn’t smear.

I wish the pen were just a little heavier and more substantial in my hand.

And I wish the great colors and cute polka dots came in the finer .05 tip.

I am also loving (mostly) these felt-tip pens from PaperMate.

Again, the colors are amazing. And this time, the thin precise lines are so so satisfying. Plus, the ink dries much faster so I don’t worry about smearing what I just put down.

But, I am terrified of bending the felt tips. So I write very carefully, and very slowly. And I don’t like the way it feels to write in cursive, which makes freewriting impossible with these pens.

I’ve tried hundreds of pens, both expensive and cheap, but I have yet to find the perfect pen. Sometimes, when I’m avoiding the writing or editing I should be doing, I daydream about the perfect pen. It would be heavy enough to feel solid in my hand without adding any strain over long periods of writing time. The tip would be quite fine, and the ink would miraculously flow easily with never a skip or smear. And it would have a homing device that would instantly bring it to me whenever I needed it.

Because, let’s be honest, the perfect pen is simply the one I can find.

Do you have the perfect pen? I’m always searching, so let me know!

Changes Ahead

The kids are heading back to school in 3 days. And I’ve decided it’s time for some changes in my life, too. The first one I’m going to make is to establish a regular exercise routine that pushes me (in many ways).

This terrifies me for a few reasons:

1)   I have to get up early. I’ve rearranged my schedule so many times I nearly went cross-eyed. But 6 am is the only time I can reasonably and regularly exercise for an hour without many, many issues arising which would de-rail my efforts to be consistent. That means I have to get out of bed at 5:30. Ugh.

2)   I’ve never taken the classes offered at 6 am. That means I don’t know what to expect or how to navigate it. That terrifies me—I can’t plan for what I don’t know and that leaves me feeling unprepared and vulnerable.

3)   I have to actually exercise. . .in front of other people. . . who will then see how out of shape I am. . . and how sweaty I get. . . in public.

4)   I am going to have to admit to myself how out of shape I let myself get. Grrr.

So, in order to combat these fears I am doing the following:

1)   Asking for help from my friends: If you are willing to meet me for one (or more) 6 am classes during the week—even if it’s just for a week or two—to show me the ropes, smile at me, and expect me to be there, I would be forever grateful.

2)   Promising in public to take a selfie after every class—I’m going to prove to myself that I can love the body I have, sweaty red face and all. Plus, it’s a way for me to be proud of myself for the effort I’m making to be healthy.

This all starts August 24^th at 6 am. Who’s in?

Sabbath Meditation

It is impossible to fail when you do your best and when you are on the Lord's errand.

M. Russell Ballard

April 2015 Theme

Review: In the Woods by Tana French

I’ve been avoiding writing here simply because I thought I had nothing to say.

Anyone who knows me is laughing right now.

But still, I wanted to ease myself back into this routine, and I thought a book review would be an easy, enjoyable way to renew the habit of writing.

So, let’s get to it, shall we?

I have just finished the first novel by an author I have never read before. (I’m a little behind—she published it in 2007.) Tana French’s In the Woods is a murder mystery—a genre I admittedly spend little time reading. Many of them are too predictable for my taste, and even the good ones are rarely emotional, romantic, or descriptive enough for me.

I’ve been very wrong, and I have a lot of reading to make up.

French’s use of words is delicious. The details are distilled down to only the most vivid, the most important, and presented to the reader through a delightfully neurotic, potentially unreliable narrator. Within the first few paragraphs, Detective Rob Ryan explains to the reader “two things: I crave truth. And I lie.”

A careful reader will see clues along the way. But are you sure you can trust the interpretation of those clues? Is it your interpretation or Detective Ryan’s? Can we trust him to tell us the truth even in his own story? Those questions kept me glued to the book. Even now, having finished it, I am still going over the details, asking myself what I missed the first time, what should I have seen coming, what is the truth? Ooh, I have shivers just thinking about it. Emotions soar and plunge, tension is thick, and sympathy for the characters wars with frustration at their blindness and blunders.

However, I cannot give this book a whole-hearted recommendation for a few reasons. This is most certainly an adult read. The subject matter is gruesome in places, and the language is harsh and, in my opinion, gratuitious. There are many instances of strong swearing, and both crimes and motivations are described in some detail. If you are looking for a light-hearted, tidy mystery where good is always good and utterly triumphant, this is not the book for you. If you want a romantic adventure where hearts are always whole in the end, you should probably look elsewhere.

If you are a fan of twisted, intense, wholly absorbing mystery where characters are deeply flawed, and the lines between good and bad can be blurry; if you don’t mind language and aren’t averse to serious and realistic situations; if you crave the exquisite pleasure of dark, tempting, and terrifying brushes with the unknown—perhaps this is the perfect choice for your next read.

Rating: 3.5

Language: Adult—extreme and graphic

Romance: Maladjusted

Resolution: Realistic, Partial