This Is Me: Forgiveness

Probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life is forgive the Z-man and forgive myself for what happened at the beginning of our marriage. It was not smooth sailing. We both came into the relationship with issues, hot-buttons, and high expectations. Unfortunately, they all happened to line up quite nicely, and within a few months, we were having serious difficulties.

After a few months with a not-so-effective therapist, I decided to leave him. It was the hardest and most heart-wrenching decision of my life. But we were both hurting each other non-stop, and it couldn't go on. Through the next 2-3 years, we both worked very hard to re-establish our relationship, fix our own issues, and gain the skills and tools we needed to make our marriage a good one. And I think we succeeded beyond my wildest dreams.


How could I not love this man, after all.

But one of the hardest parts of this whole journey was forgiving him for things he had done and said to hurt me. Sometimes he meant to (he was hurting too after all), but most often he had no idea how hurt I was. I was not good at telling him in a way he could understand.

It took a lot of prayer, a lot of tears, a lot of talking, and a lot of time before I was able to let go of everything. But oh, so worth it.


He is my world, my everything, my best friend, my lover, my heart and soul.

I also had a lot to forgive myself for. Namely, not being the perfect wife I always hoped to be. For being human, making mistakes, and not knowing all the answers right away.


I certainly wasn't perfect, and I needed to change my behavior in a lot of ways. We're still working on a lot. Who isn't, after all.

There are also times when something from that time comes back to haunt me. I will remember something the Z-man said or did, and it starts to hurt all over again. But I find that every time I let it go, it's easier than the time before. Because I can't erase those years from my memory (nor would I really want to), I will always have hard memories pop up from time to time. And I'm still not perfect. Sometimes I stew over them for a day or two.

But then I look at these pictures, I see something he as done for me, I see our beautiful children, I remember the countless times he has proven his love for me, and I can let it go. I don't have to hold onto the bad, and I can still cherish the good.

Without him by my side, I wouldn't be half the woman I am today. Nor would I stand a chance of someday being the woman I want to be. I can't wait to see how high we can help each other climb.

This is Me--O Remember, Remember

Have I seen the hand of God in my life today?

Thinking back upon my day has made me wonder. It hasn't been a perfect day by any stretch of the imagination. Roads were closed, appointments had to be rescheduled, waits were longer than expected, projects were bigger than I thought, demands were higher and energy was too low to meet them all. But in spite of that, there were some glaring reminders that Heavenly Father loves me. I just had to think back long enough to see them.

I was blessed with a friend who stopped by unexpectedly. Katy made a trip to WalMart a joy instead of a chore. She raised my spirits when they desperately needed it.

Lisa called and reminded me that I am strong for asking for help--not weak like I feel most days. She shared my joy in the things that are going well, and understood those that aren't what I want them to be. She reminded me that my life is full of blessings--and it's OK if those blessings are hard to deal with sometimes.

I met with a talented and compassionate health professional today that listened, understood, and offered help with no trace of pity or judgment. Instead, she offered hope, cheer, and the promise of continued help.

My difficult day has been full of those who love me--sent to help me by a Father who loves me more than I can imagine.

This is a day to remember.